There is an epidemic that has struck millions (possibly even a handful) of writers in this little globe we call Earth. This terrifying disease has crept its way along the history of writing since before SNL was good again and has strangled the hopes and dreams of many. The name of this incurable disease you ask? Called “impatientwriterphilia” by people who like big words, those that suffer from it have named it “Get-it-out-of-my-head Syndrome.”
Many, at least two that I know of, suffer from GIOOMH and I fear it may be spreading. To understand any disease, we must look at its symptoms before finding the proper over-priced drug to cure it.
Symptoms include but are not limited to the following.
- Hearing conversations in their heads that won’t shut up at night until they write it down.
- Writing without care or respecting Literary Nazis as they should.
- Writing without plotting!
- Having more make-believe friends than those that exist in “the real world.”
- Knowing the difficult decision that must be made between peeing and finish writing a sentence, or a paragraph, or a book.
- Noting they have used an Oxford comma but can’t stop writing to correct it…or wanting to.
- Replying with “What?” repeatedly the day after writing.
- Being so prolific that people think they are in a coop publishing group.
- Pretending they are having phone conversations when actually dictating a scene into their iPhone.
- And finally, and most obvious, they often use pen and paper.
Writers that suffer from GIOOMH are libel to produce works of literature without complaining about being published. As you well know, true writing is only done for the purpose of publishing. To add to this insult, GIOOMH can lead to the most dangerous disease of all; WFF (Writing For Fun).
“I’m scared, Mac,” I hear you say. I know. Me too.
I cannot stress enough how much these people need our help. With their untamed desire to write, there will be too many books that fall short of the Pulitzer Prize winning works and at a fraction of the price. Without your efforts, these people will continue to “self-publish” and enjoy it. I say, “No!” These diseases must be stopped in our lifetime and you can help…kinda.
With small, monthly payments of twenty five dollars or a Starbucks gift card, we will give these poor souls decaffeinated coffee and begin the long process of “writing the correct way.” Won’t you join me and shake some sense into these people? I know you will.
One day, we will look back on this experience and relish the knowledge that we took part in slimming down reading lists across this globe. What a beautiful statement we will make about Freedom of Speech and Self Expression on that fine day.